PAGE NINE -- No. 10

by Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America

I'm proposing a new page for newspapers ("Page Nine" regardless of the page it runs on), that covers stories afresh, not the way news rooms typically flavor things. It would help reduce the distrust so many readers feel. It could be the most read page in the paper, a light breath of fresh air.

Here's a casual sample. It might make you say, "We'll NEVER run that!" but the page will be built around ad revenues from right thinking mainstream businesses.

Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America
"The Uninvited Ombudsman"

PAGE NINE
The Uninvited Ombudsman Report, No. 10
by Alan Korwin, July 31, 2006

Page Nine Is Now A Blog!
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All Page Nine reports are indexed at
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Contents:
Machine Gun Stickup
Illegals Heading West
Internet Over Powerlines
Renzi Visits Lebanon
Another Jihad Database
Murderer Idolized Again
Bush Acts Politically
Breasts Outrage Women
Landis Has Testosterone
Jews At Gunpoint
Must Stop MySpace
Corrections and Clarifications

The lamestream media told you:
An armored car heist in Phoenix was committed using automatic weapons. An unknown amount of cash was stolen, and police are looking for the suspects. Not shots were fired during the robbery.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
Gun enthusiasts immediately suspected a rat when the media brazenly reported the use of automatic weapons in a crime. Machine guns typically cost $10,000 or more, are severely restricted by the FBI, individually recorded and tracked, and are the domain mainly of world-class collectors and specialists. They are more rare in street crime than cash in a congressman's freezer.

"No shots were fired" lead many to question why the phrase "automatic weapons" was even used. Authorities apparently gave the phrase to the reporter, who simply parroted what was said without any research or reporter curiosity. No charges have been filed against the reporter.

Several days later, the followup story claimed that automatic OR semiautomatic weapons MAY have been used, and suspects were in custody, increasing skepticism in those parts of the community that are awake.

Today (July 28), the headline says "Toy rifles aided three in heist," and Bosnia-Herzegovina natives were the apparent culprits. "Fake AK-47 assault rifles" were used in combination with pepper spray. I am not making this up.

According to the report, toy fakes can be scary sounding "assault rifles." The money has been recovered. No correction has been issued. The reporter is still at large.

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The lamestream media told you:
Border arrests are shifting to the west. Increased focus on the Arizona borders by federal troops, BP agents, sensors, cameras, fences (and, unmentioned in the story, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio who is actually locking up illegals) has caused migrant patterns to shift back towards California, reports Mike Madden of the Gannett chain's Wash. D.C.-office for the Arizona Republic.

California arrests are up 20% while Arizona arrests are down marginally. Describing the San Diego sector, BP Chief David Aguilar said, "We're much more efficient, absolutely."

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The Border Patrol, working hard to convince the public it is working hard, reports it is doing well because arrests are down in one sector. It also reports it is doing well because, well, arrests are up in one sector.

Regardless of whether arrests go up or down, the government reports it is doing the right thing, the "news" media reports. This might impact the media's credibility, critics claim. The media will be holding seminars on the subject.

Partial numbers published with the story (which were not totaled by the newspaper) indicate 957,000 arrests in 2005, compared with 939,000 so far in 2006, if our calculator is accurate. The numbers of people being constantly pushed up at the United States are staggering, especially in the face of such arrests levels. However, BP estimates that at least one out of two get through, and admits it releases everyone it catches, so the odds aren't really that bad.

With around 2,600 arrests per day (again, relying on a calculator), which implies 2,600 illegal entries a day, "efficient" might not be a good word choice for the Border Patrol chief to have used.

Two Republicans have proposed an immigration compromise bill to "rescue imperiled immigration legislation," the paper reports.

Critics who suggest illegal immigration is really a federal jobs program are dismissed as loonies.

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The lamestream media told you:
Manassas, Virginia is the first city in the country to bring broadband Internet access to the public through standard three-pronged power lines used in all modern homes. Surprise, Arizona is now the second city to adopt the technology, which could bring web access to the entire public, including the unfortunate poor, at little or no cost.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The centralization of Internet Service Providers (ISPs), through heavily government-regulated power companies, is another step in the direction of government dominance over the web, which continues at a frightening pace along multiple strategic fronts.

Admitting that thousands of independently operated ISPs complicates the job of controlling the web, the move to "free" delivery along A/C power lines is an important tactic, says one industry observer who prefers to not be identified.

Currently, anyone can set up as an ISP with little more than a home computer, in the highly unregulated world wide web.

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The lamestream media told you:
Congressman Rick Renzi, returning from a fact-finding trip to the Israel-Lebanese border reports that he is, "not free to discuss much of what the delegation learned," on the trip.

He did report that Hezbollah has turned southern Lebanon into, "a maze of tunnels, bunkers and weaponry," right under the nose of the U.N. peacekeeping forces, for 12 years. "The U.N. allowed Hezbollah to come down and take control," according to the published report, and that Iran helped turn the terrorists from, "a bunch of thugs into a sophisticated army."

The United States pays 22% of the U.N.'s operating costs.

During the mission, Renzi and three congressional colleagues met with Palestinian president Abbas.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
We never find out what these policy makers talk about when they meet. Now THAT would be news. Whatever we get instead is obviously pale.

"There's no way for us to get that," says one reporter. Whatever he delivers to us instead has any crumbs of credibility torn to shreds by default. The real deal is unavailable to any but the elite insiders, and they're not talking.

The idea that a congressman cannot speak about what he learned bolsters that unfortunate view. The First Amendment protection of free speech does not apply, even to a congressman, for reasons that remain unclear.

What sort of capabilities could the terrorists have, what sort of secrets could Abbas reveal, what could our legislators have learned from their trip, that we aren't getting from the news, that they cannot say. What was the U.N. actually doing there for 12 years. It sure makes you wonder.

Both sides bombed and rocketed each other again today. Pictures of the exploded buildings and injured (but not dead) people were broadcast widely, as usual.

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The lamestream media told you:
University of Arizona computer scientists got front page news by announcing they have "quietly assembled" the world's largest digital library of terrorist organizations and activity on the Internet.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The news media continues to disguise the global holy war against western civilization, conducted by  Muslim fundamentalists waging jihad, as "terrorism," an innocuous word that implies indiscriminate criminal activity, and hides the Islamic nature of the problem.

So many groups have amassed databases and are tracking the world's jihadis that an announcement from one batch of scientists is hardly news. Naming it the Dark Web though was kind of cool.

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The lamestream media told you:
The Associated Press reports that a man serving life in prison for a single murder may have killed as many as 48 people over two-and-a-half decades. Authorities are trying to corroborate his claims.

The story by John Sarche features a stylish photo of the criminal, and holds him up as possibly the most prolific killer of modern times, naming others who are competitors for such a ghastly title, with a certain sense of awe.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The Associated Press continues its long history of publicizing murderers, bringing national attention to homicidal maniacs instead of sympathy to victims of crime.

The obvious need for reducing restrictions on civilian possession of firearms, in light of constant attention to atrocities by these glorified killers, was not addressed in the story. Photos of the victims are rarely chosen over photos idolizing the psychopathic perpetrators.

Imagine the effect if each murder victim story mentioned that, "The victim lived in an area where simple civilian possession of firearms is banned or severely restricted by government taxes and tests."

The affect of the story on copycats is unknown, and was rebroadcast for days.

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The lamestream media told you:
President Bush is adding flair to bill signings. Reporter Jennifer Loven, writing for the Associated Press, details several high-profile enactments designed to get, and successfully getting, coverage from the lamestream media.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
This story is so bad that only a line-by-line review will do. Essentially, flat-out editorializing is presented as news, and none of the editors spotted it or even labeled it as analysis.

AP: "Bush and his party are campaigning hard as the November elections approach."

Reality: Both parties are campaigning hard as the election approaches, and that's not news.

AP: "The GOP is seen as in danger of losing its majority status in one or both houses of Congress."

Reality: Although cynics suspect the AP would love the GOP to lose its majority and hence pushes the idea constantly, both parties vie for power in every election, and the balance in either house is always at risk of changing. Always.

AP: "In May, White House message masters chose the South Lawn as the venue for Bush's signings."

Reality: "Message masters" is a slur, both parties use experts to stage everything they do, and only the most supreme choices for maximum effect are ever used, even if they get it wrong occasionally.

AP: "The South Lawn was next pressed into duty for extending the Voting Rights Act, a centerpiece of the 1960s civil rights movement, which opened the polls to millions of Black Americans by outlawing such voting practices as poll taxes and literacy tests."

Reality: Access taxes and proficiency tests for exercising your rights are very much alive for black Americans, and all Americans, if you wish to exercise your right to keep and bear arms. The Associated Press has never addressed that subject, in any way, ever.

Reality: The story just keeps on going like that, it's a disgrace. The powerful Republicans and the poor downtrodden Democrats, scores of politicians seeking the spotlight, the  "imposing South Portico," gushing opinion, Loven should be reprimanded, along with every editor in the chain from copy to print. I could go on, but I just can't go on.

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The lamestream media told you:
Public discomfort at seeing pictures of a woman breast feeding is reaching epidemic proportions, according to the Associated Press. "Babytalk," a magazine for new mothers, features such a picture on its cover, and a detailed survey primarily of women indicates many readers are disgusted or unsettled by the partial image of a breast, in profile, dominating the cover. "I was shocked," says one unnamed reader.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
A totally unscientific survey taken by the Uninvited Ombudsman, primarily of men, indicates that large profile pictures of a portion of a female breast are just dandy, even if a baby takes up part of the frame. "Breasts just don't shock me," says Mitch, who doesn't want to reveal his last name. "In fact, I rather like them."

Women's magazines, with circulations at least 100 times greater than "Babytalk," feature partial photos of women's breasts in ads on page after page, and women by the millions eagerly buy the magazines as soon as they hit the newsstands.

The reason for the difference in perception between the AP-reported "news" survey, and street reality, was unknown at press time.

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The lamestream media told you:
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has been besmirched by a doping charge in his win of the grueling 23 day bicycle race, arguably the most difficult physical feat on the planet. His title is in jeopardy as officials investigate a urine sample taken from him during the race.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
When the person who is arguably the most macho man currently on the planet, capable of bicycling up and down the French Alps faster than any other person alive, is charged with having too much testosterone, something is definitely wrong. Personally, I hope they find he has even more testosterone than they already think he has. Way to go, American male.

The test, which involves the ratio of testosterone to its biological precursor chemical, used to rely on a 6 to 1 ratio as proof of doping. That was changed recently to a 4 to 1 ratio, not exactly your hard-edged scientific model of foolproof proof. Whether an increase in the number of girlie men had anything to do with the new, more sensitive, lower testosterone standard is unknown.

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The lamestream media told you:
One person was killed and five others wounded when a gunman opened fire at a Jewish community center in downtown Seattle.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
The American Jewish community, a seething hotbed of support for "strict gun control," which generally means gutting the Second Amendment and disarming the public, should perhaps rethink their strategy.

"It amazes me that Jews of all people would favor gun control, when you look at their history. When they say, 'Never again,' how do they expect to do that -- through the magnanimous actions of their Muslim neighbors and anti-Semites the world over?" asks one knowledgeable insider. None of the victims in the Seattle attack were armed.

If the past is prologue, the murderous attack will lead to renewed calls for limiting gun ownership in Washington State and elsewhere, with Jewish groups leading the charge, as if that will stop future murders. One web pundit has noted for more than a decade, "After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it." (William Burroughs, 1992)

Just to be clear, this was not a random criminal assault. The suspect identified himself to the police as a "Muslim-American," a term that disgusts many mainstream Americans, and implies an act of jihad. As most Americans know at this point, tens of millions of Muslims have sworn to wipe Israel off the map and kill all Jews, following their religious and political leaders leadership. Almost all Muslim countries are vicious dictatorships, a fact routinely omitted in lamestream news reports.

At least three Jews locally have indicated to the Uninvited Ombudsman that the assault motivated them to go to the range and burn some powder.

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The lamestream media told you:
The U.S. House Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on telecommunications and the Internet held hearings, on how to deal with "the rampant growth of children using social-networking sites," like MySpace.com.

Their bill would ban anyone under 18 from accessing MySpace, Friendster or Facebook from school or library computers, in an effort to improve child safety on the web.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:
In a dramatic display of just how out of touch Congress has become with the American way of life, a lowly subcommittee is attempting to regulate a robust new innovation due to "rampant growth."

Rampant growth is part of what makes America great, and the last thing Congress should be meddling with. They are absolutely banned from regulating speech in any manner under the First Amendment, but that no longer constrains these misguided do-gooders, who have not been charged with violation of their oath of office.

Confirming what critics call "a lack of touch with reality," committee members appear to believe that by banning access to government-funded computers, they will have an impact that means anything. Experts at the panel hearings told them their approach was hopeless, though Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott told them it was a step in the right direction.

The alternate approach of using existing law to convict and imprison anyone who perpetrates a crime on a child was not discussed.

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Corrections and Clarifications:

1. A reader points out that: Your comments on gas-guzzling SUVs and the amount of coal burned in China leaves the impression that carbon dioxide is a bad thing. First, real science shows that an increase or decrease in CO2 and temperature do not correlate in the long-term historical record (ice cores), and second, the benefits of increased atmospheric CO2 are never reported. See the CO2 Science Center brochure, an excellent source for on our climate, and they're located in Tempe.

He continues: If the AP, the NYT, or WaPo puts it on the wire, our newspapers publish it, even if it's pure propaganda. You're correct in saying we no longer have journalists.

Doyle Elkins, Prescott, AZ

[Come to think of it, plants do need CO2 to thrive.]

2. Another reader candidly affirms: Your deceptive "Page Nine" is obviously no more accurate, rational, nor unbiased than the "lamestream media" you lambast. I lambast it, too, but another source, such as yours, that is just as manipulative, deceptive, ignorant, arrogant, and biased, or more so, does nothing to set the record straight; it just throws it even further off kilter. I get my information from a wide variety of sources that I find are truly reliable, balanced, and accurate, and this certainly does NOT include your "Page Nine" or Fox News!!! Please stop sending me this rubbish.
William W., MD

[I asked what he found incorrect, so I could make corrections, but he did not reply; invited him to join the upcoming hoplophobia symposium, but only silence.]

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Thanks for reading!
Alan Korwin
The Uninvited Ombudsman

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Alan Korwin
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
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==============================
Comments help keep me going. Alan.
==============================

Alan, just a quick Attaboy in appreciation of your continuing good works. Some of us appreciate it!
Barrett

Editor,
I find Alan Korwin's analytical thinking and commentary brilliant. I'm sure many of your readers will likewise find it educational and entertaining.  I request that you add this to your regular content.

I have received several calls from the Cleveland Plain Dealer wanting to know if I would like to add to my subscription - and I always turn you down.  If you decide to start printing Korwin's "Page Nine" please let me know -- I will reconsider by subscription needs.

Thanks,
Jim Irvine

Great article- I'll be ordering more books from you!

Please cancel newsletter - My husband was very fond of it but he is deceased.

A cousin who lives in Page forwarded "The Uninvited Ombudsman Report, No. 9". Am looking forward to reading regularly.

Cheers, Alan! Always enjoy your commentary, especially the last two sentences:
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you're reading this in English, thank a veteran.
Bob McCarthy

Each time I read Page Nine I get excited, depressed, angry, relieved, etc. all in the space of around ten minutes. I think with a little practice I will learn to laugh at the sad state of the world around us instead of getting overloaded with emotion. Thanks for the entertaining, careful, and insightful commentary! I skip the news as much as possible, so this helps me keep up to date.
 Jared Updike.

A "news" reporter writes: Please take me off your list. I don't cover media. My colleague Liz Halloran does. Thanks!

A reader in Montana writes, regarding using National Guard troops to map the border instead of protecting it: The "authorities" wanted to show that they were "Doing Something," however, they didn't want to offend anyone south of the border. So, some clever spinmeister created the double spin necessary to demonstrate to our north-of-the-border people that we are "Doing Something," but to reassure the south-of-the-border people with information that we aren't really doing anything after all.

Let me think about that. Hmmm. Nah.

The Pope was visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush took him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blew off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys started to launch a boat, but the President waved them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Houston Chronicle, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:
"Bush Can't Swim!"

Contact:
Alan Korwin
BLOOMFIELD PRESS
"We publish the gun laws."
4848 E. Cactus, #505-440
Scottsdale, AZ 85254
602-996-4020 Phone
602-494-0679 FAX
1-800-707-4020 Orders
https://www.gunlaws.com
alan@gunlaws.com
Call, write, fax or click for a free full-color catalog.

If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you're reading this in English, thank a veteran.